Adolescent Dreams
Lately I have become envious of people who are young and are just beginning their adult lives. My late teens and early twenties were a difficult time in my life, and I've never had a desire to return to those years. Yet when I hear about someone young on the brink of a promising new career or in graduate school, I am wild with envy.
Clearly this must say something about me -- perhaps that I need a fresh start in life? But is it possible for a middle-aged woman to start her life over again, and what would I do differently if I could?
I want to be 20 years old and just starting out, with no ties to anyone or any particular place. Not that I was like that when I was 20. I'd probably be better off living some place other than L.A. Big city life doesn't exactly suit me, but moving is daunting after having lived here my entire life.
I want to be a brilliant young something -- a blossoming prodigy. It doesn't matter what field, as long as it's something I'm passionate about. I was never a brilliant young anything, because I was too confused.
I want to be able to look at the world through inexperienced eyes. I don't find many things that excite me that way anymore. Maybe I know too much! There's nothing new under the sun now; I've seen or heard it all before.
I want to be foolishly optimistic and idealistic. It's becoming more difficult to be hopeful, although I don't think I'm cynical or bitter. I want to go back to the Summer of Love! Those words alone send chills down my spine and invoke visions of San Francisco in the late 1960s.
But there are also things that I don't envy about young people. I know myself a lot better than I did when I was 20. I am less fearful, and better able to negotiate the world. I'm able to take risks now that I never would have taken then.
I can't go back in time, but perhaps I can incorporate some freshness into my life. I'm not sure how. I'm going to have to give it some thought.
Clearly this must say something about me -- perhaps that I need a fresh start in life? But is it possible for a middle-aged woman to start her life over again, and what would I do differently if I could?
I want to be 20 years old and just starting out, with no ties to anyone or any particular place. Not that I was like that when I was 20. I'd probably be better off living some place other than L.A. Big city life doesn't exactly suit me, but moving is daunting after having lived here my entire life.
I want to be a brilliant young something -- a blossoming prodigy. It doesn't matter what field, as long as it's something I'm passionate about. I was never a brilliant young anything, because I was too confused.
I want to be able to look at the world through inexperienced eyes. I don't find many things that excite me that way anymore. Maybe I know too much! There's nothing new under the sun now; I've seen or heard it all before.
I want to be foolishly optimistic and idealistic. It's becoming more difficult to be hopeful, although I don't think I'm cynical or bitter. I want to go back to the Summer of Love! Those words alone send chills down my spine and invoke visions of San Francisco in the late 1960s.
But there are also things that I don't envy about young people. I know myself a lot better than I did when I was 20. I am less fearful, and better able to negotiate the world. I'm able to take risks now that I never would have taken then.
I can't go back in time, but perhaps I can incorporate some freshness into my life. I'm not sure how. I'm going to have to give it some thought.
posted by Cassandra at 8:27 PM
2 Comments:
Whaddya mean you've seen it all before? What about those bathroom tiles?
Hmmmm . . . maybe you're right Judy. When I think of it that way, I guess I do still have a lot of kid in me. Even doing this blog is kind of a playful thing. Thanks for your insight.
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